I am here to tell you about how a doula transformed my life…
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I do not share because I am ashamed
I do not share because I feel guilt
I do not share because nothing will change
I do not share because I am nothing
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How can I walk two paths?
How can I honor myself, but be the mother I feel my children deserve?
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Pregnancy felt like an in-between state – a journey that had yet to reach its destination. And as I walked this journey, I was experiencing myself change. Past experiences were coming back to me with fresh power and taking on new meanings.
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It felt strange to have a little person growing inside me, so connected and yet also, somehow, so far away. Who was I in this new body of mine? Who were they?
I look at you my little one and I grieve over what is about to come. Any day now your little brother will enter this world. While I am so happy to meet him, it scares me to think about how this will change you; change us.
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When I was pregnant with my first I wondered a lot about what labor would be like. Would I be able to handle the pain of contractions? Would I choose an epidural? At the same time, I was feeling overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of what was about to happen and anxious about all the unknowns of parenthood.
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…there are huge benefits to taking an in-person childbirth education class with a certified childbirth educator. You just can't get these 10 benefits from going down the google rabbit hole:
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There are moments that creep up on us, holding a mirror to what we are not ready to bear witness to. Music is a powerful tool, and often gives voice to these emotions. Driving today in the car, tears streamed down my face as these lyrics reflected parts of me that I haven’t been able to put words to myself.
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…you've done this before. You knew what to expect - the sleepless nights, the constant feeding, the bouncing and jiggling - you expected challenge, maybe even postnatal depression or anxiety, but you are still surprised, surprised by the stillness of your newborn.
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I had expected to come from the When Survivors Give Birth Workshop in Seattle with an overload of information to share. Instead, I find myself lost for words.
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This is me, almost ten years ago, teaching how to write an essay to an undergraduate class. Its been a long journey from this moment - a journey that includes the birth of my two babies, a Ph.D. and the start of a new career in providing trauma-informed childbirth education and parenting support.
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Today…What can I say about today? Today, emotionally draining as it has been, has only reinforced my commitment to helping survivors in the perinatal period. Today, I spoke to medical care providers and other perinatal professionals about my experience giving birth as a survivor of rape.
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Conceiving, growing, birthing, and raising tiny humans can be a difficult journey.
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I was pregnant with my first when my mother told me, “When you have a newborn, you are all they know - you are their world. Newborns only begin to know the world beyond you through you.
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Everything changed after the birth of my two children, one in 2014 and one in 2017
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