A Letter To My Partner
There are moments that creep up on us, holding a mirror to what we are not ready to bear witness to. Music is a powerful tool, and often gives voice to these emotions. Driving today in the car, tears streamed down my face as these lyrics reflected parts of me that I haven’t been able to put words to myself.
And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Being brutally honesty here, sometimes I feel like I am winging it as a mom. I don’t know what I am doing and that scares me so much. There is no handbook that helps you figure out what is best to do when your little one wakes up sick in the middle of the night. Or that lets you know if our second child feels as loved as our first because I just don’t have the same time to devote to him. I felt so sure of myself in my pre-mom life. I knew that I was good at what I was doing and I felt like I was making an impact on the world.
Now I feel so small. I am stumbling to find my place and worth in this new role. I spend my days playing trucks, changing diapers and reading “Little Blue Truck”. Will my sons see my worth in this role? Will they realize their mom is an intelligent woman who met tough issues head on as a passionate fighter for the rights of women. Or am I just cultivating the societal norm that their mom is someone who does the dishes, cooks dinner and drives them to activities.
Often times I feel in over my head. There are so many decisions I have to make each day that it is overwhelming. I have some wins, but also losses and those are the ones that leave a lasting imprint. When I can’t sleep in the middle of the night, I replay these moments in my head and worry about how my mistakes will impact our children. The worry, negative self-talk and guilt are deafeningly loud, drowning out any thoughts of positivity.
The weight of motherhood can be heavy to carry. My relationship with my children will shape them into the adults they will become and that is an incredible burden sometimes. I am still learning to love and forgive myself in these moments. I am learning to take a step back and meet myself with kindness and understanding.
So I ask this of you. Because I need your help as I am learning to crawl in this journey of motherhood. Can you meet me with kindness when I am unable to do it for myself? There are so many decisions I make each day that if you can take a few off my plate it will lighten my load. Be the voice that counteracts my negative thoughts and shows our children the love and respect you have for their mother by building her up. This is so powerful, because when I fall I know I will look up and find you there reaching out your hand. And lastly, teach our children about the other parts of me besides being mom. Teach them about the person you fell in love with, the person you were proud of and the person you championed through her accomplishments.