Crossroad

How can I walk two paths? 

How can I honor myself, but be the mother I feel my children deserve? 

I made the choice to bring them into this world, but sometimes I struggle with resentment around the changes this choice has made. I know it is not enough for me to be a mom. But my heart also aches when I think about missing moments with my boys. The thought of them remembering someone else holding their hand at the museum, snuggling with books or digging with trucks at the park brings tears to my eyes. 

I am at a crossroad. I had dreams and hopes for who I wanted to be before I had children. At times those dreams feel so distant and unattainable. But searching within, I know how important it is that I pursue those parts of me. It is necessary to feel whole, to feel valued and to feel like me.   

But then I realize f@#! the crossroad.

 Why does it have to be a choice? 

Why can’t I live in both worlds and find joy?

So I put myself out there and ask for what I need. I have learned this from my sons. When they want or need something, they make it known. They don’t hold back out of fear of rejection or believing they don’t deserve to get what they want. I will use my voice because I am worth fighting for. 

And you know what………I asked until I was heard. I asked until I found a path that fit all parts of me. I will walk the journey I started before becoming a mother, but I will do it within a timeline that works for me. I may not be there for all the small moments, but that is okay. I have found a way to be a part of the bigger moments that I knew I didn’t want to miss. It will be me who brings my son to his first day of preschool next year. He will remember me reaching down to take off his back pack and walking him into meet his new friends. It will be me who gets my wee one up from his nap each day. His head will rest against my shoulder as his sleepy haze fades away. 

I found a way to make these two roads one. I have found myself. 

 -Sarah